When You Don’t Have it in You

Guest Post by Erica Goode

In mid-March, when the severity of the coronavirus started settling into the US, our town was a little behind-the-curve in their reaction compared to the rest of the nation.  With only 3,000 residents in our rural southeast Idaho town, we were already socially distanced.  When you’re surrounded by mountains and potato fields, with the nearest Walmart an hour away, aren’t you already pretty safe from the rest of the world?

Nonetheless, as the gravity of the situation became obvious, our small secluded town also started shutting down like the rest of the country.  Our grocery stores were swept clean.  Our kids came home from school.  And our churches shut their doors.

For my church, which boasts an average attendance of 30 adults on a good week, that meant we went dark.  We lacked the resources and knowledge to turn on a dime and convert services and small groups to a virtual format.  So there would be no church.  No Sunday school.  No Bible study.

No connection.

It didn’t sit well with me.  There was a lot going on in the world.  And, selfishly, there was a lot going on in my head.  I need to connect with my church ladies.  I needed fellowship.  I needed something – anything.

I used Zoom for work all the time.  I could just coordinate a ladies Bible study there, right?

Right.

How hard could that be?

But Zoom was the easy part for me.  The problem was, I had never led a Bible study.  Heck, I only just finished reading the Bible for the first time last year!  There was so much I didn’t know.  And there wasn’t time to leverage an off-the-shelf guided Bible study and distribute books.  We needed connection now.  

Correction:  I needed connection now.

So I jumped.  On a whim, I sent out the invite for Zoom fellowship.

And the ladies accepted.

And I was scared.

I didn’t know if I had it in me.

As I prepped for our first 8pm Zoom on a Wednesday night, just days after our world started shutting down, I sat with my head in my hands.

God, I don’t know what I’m doing.  Why did I decide to do this?  I’ve never done this before.  I don’t have it in me.  

[deep breath] 

God, you have to be here right now.  You have to do this for me.  I’ll do the actual talking, but you have to give me the words.

So I took another deep breath and dove in.

And He showed up, just like He always does – in His own way.

It was a success.  Our small ladies group met weekly for the rest of the spring through our Corona stay-at-home order.  In a small corner of America, we met virtually and supported each other – through Him.

Now, as our “new norms” continue to develop, I’m facing my next challenge.  Only this time, I’m left looking down the barrel at the start of summer vacation.  More specifically, my kids’ summer vacation.

At a time when I’m normally stocked with to-dos, adventures, and family getaways for our 9 & 4-year-old kids, I’m already out of steam from the past 3 months.  And while I truly feel that “stay-at-home” time was a blessing, loaded with good memories and quality time, I think our whole family is a little tapped out on togetherness.

I don’t know that I have it in me.  I don’t know if I can do this.

So here I sit again.

God, I don’t think I have it in me.  I’m so tired.  I don’t know what I’m doing at this point.

[deep breath]

You have to be here right now.  You have to do this for me.

I need patience.  I need fun.  I need my kids to get along.  God…I need to make it to the first day of school with my sanity.

And He will show up.  I know He will – in His own way.  He promises this.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” Matthew 11:28

Erica Goode is a blogger at Living A Goode Life where she writes about moving her young family from the hustle of the Chicago suburbs to the rural mountains of Idaho.  You can find her on Facebook (Living A Goode Life), Instagram (@aGoodeLifeBlog), or her website (www.livingagoodelife.org).